OH NO, BARBARA

july sixteenth

2011-07-16T01:11:00.002+10:00

The greatest lie of all is the feeling of firmness beneath our feet. We are at our most honest when we are lost.

- Kierkegaard

Thoughts I've had today:

Who would Dolores Umbridge be in Nazi Germany? Himmler?
Why have I wasted valuable thought space to such a question?
Why not?!
Nadia, on the right, from FrouFrouu looks like an actual Arabian Princess. I am jealous, and I don't even know her ethnicity.
Related: how much would I earn from selling my Arabian locks?
The number 702 is oddly attractive, for a three digit figure. Seen on a bus sign.
If I had to polish anyone's head, it would definitely be Will Arnett's. I can't say why.
I would like to one day personally thank Radiohead for the song Idioteque.
I could truly survive the hurdles of life solely seeking advice from the Pocahontas soundtrack.
I am such a hedgehog. I'd be pretty pissed off about that if I wasn't so enthralled with the process. Slacken and pull, said Foer. Slacken, pull.

A tip: don't blog after midnight. Or whilst listening to Phillip Glass. I feel like Truman Burbank.
Who, by the way, was just living there ironically.

april twenty-fifth: childhood tv shows

2011-04-26T00:08:00.001+10:00

Yo blog, it's been awhile. I understand I cannot just waltz in here after a three-month hiatus, expecting an instant welcome. I am not the prodigal son. Apparently.

As an apology, I offer to you a nostalgic compilation of '90s Nickelodeon/ABC television shows. I vividly recall watching these after school. Children possess an incredible ability to remain mesmerised by stimuli; a focus I struggle to maintain. I can hardly sit through a fifty-minute episode of trashy television without needing to check Twitter, or open my laptop, or ride my scooter.

Yes, I now have a scooter. Yes, I will be 18 in 8 days. We've a lot to catch up on.

I'm aware that you may not have grown up with these shows. Most likely, they do not mean anything to you. You may be sitting there wondering, why on earth is there a giant hot water bottle at 0:16? Why is there an entire show dedicated to a conjoined cat and dog? Why does that small child have the head of a football?

All valid questions. Which I cannot answer, and will merely reply: they are insanely awesome.
(Continue)

january tenth: mr west

2011-01-11T01:33:00.000+11:00

Regardless of how you feel about Kanye West, spare thirty-four minutes of your day to bask in his aesthetically pleasing short film. You have to give it to the man, he's staged a spectacular comeback. We could analyse the symbolism, you and I, but it's 1:28 am and there are better things to do at this time. E.G. sleeping. I wish I was good at sleeping.

january fifth:

2011-01-06T00:36:00.002+11:00

starring joanna s.
flickr

january third

2011-01-03T22:51:00.000+11:00

Model: Joanna S

I've begun taking photos again. I'm still tip-toeing with the medium; reluctant to return to an artform I temporarily abandoned, after years of practice. Talk about an awkward sentence structure. Forgive me. I have a daunting pile of post-high school stories and photos to share. All in good time, compadres.

january first: 2010

2011-01-01T23:19:00.005+11:00

Look, blog, I don't know what you want from me. Is that intimidating, sexy white canvas of yours demanding I share self-deprecating, somewhat witty anecdotes about my post-HSC life? I'm not sure I can. I'm hesitant about revisiting that first taste of freedom. That euphoric November was almost too much to handle; for the first few weeks I'd taunt my family:

To my little sister: "I relaxed at home all day today. Tomorrow I'm going shopping, then maybe the movies or Thai. Anyway ... you have a good day at school tomorrow, okay?"
Disclaimer: I suffered countless weekends wishing my sisters a good day out from my all-too-familiar desk. They must pay.

"Dad, the shops have been recarpeted! Life actually continued outside my bedroom! Who knew?"
I'm aware of how self-absorbed this sounds. When you're limited to within a 5km radius of your house, these indulgences are only fair.

2010 was ... determination. I've no other way to put it. It wasn't particularly thrilling, nor was it awful. People tell you that your final schooling year is the best year of your life. Ugh, please. Who are these people? Why are they so wrong? Actions must be taken to prevent the circulation of such lies.

It was a memorable year for these reasons:

The Office.
If you're going to religiously watch one television series, watch this. It only propelled my desire to succeed. I can't stand the thought of office mundanity and water-cooler conversation. Don't get me wrong, I loved the subtle humour. On an entirely different level, I learnt: "succeed or die in a job you hate." Then again, I feel personally affected by the derelict houses in COD: Modern Warfare 2. I am an idiot.

Free periods.
Whether I had shooed friends away so I could work ahead, or spent sleep-deprived mornings giggling on the library carpet: these periods were actually the best time of the day. Only because a) I could work alone and undisturbed or b) my friends made me laugh. That, or the sleep deprivation.

Library trips with Alice & Annie.
I can't wait to experience uni with these girls. Whether we were pretending to research at the State Library or plotting ways to avoid a certain middle-aged, wannabe-hipster English teacher; our little outings made this year just that much more bearable.

Retail therapy.
In its purest, most indulgent form: bliss. Shopping for parties, dinners, formal, university outfits, for future weddings ... I blame my mother. What have I become?

Radiohead.
4am. Eyes drooping. Cold tea, uneaten Vita-Weats. Perfecting an essay on collective security. On Arab-Australian discrimination. Legal avenues of consumer redress. I'd put Radiohead's 'Kid A' album (and U2: The Joshua Tree) on repeat and all would be okay.

Friends.
Without getting too cliche, I owe these girls some serious lovin'. Yes, lovin'. The mornings I'd come in crying, or on the phone crying, or laughing and crying ... how did you even put up with me?! Or just other situations ... e.g. that time I called Eliza when I found a cockroach on me. ("Scream a bit. Then shower.") Or that time Shannon and I graciously provided ghost sound effects during a class screening of Hamlet. (oOoOoOoOoOoOoh!).

Family.
I know this is pretty dull for you, but my advice is this: BEFRIEND YOUR PARENTS. It made my life so much easier. Not that we weren't friends before, we're a pretty tight bunch. It helps if your goals are aligned, though. Shopping and lunch during exams; enlightening conversations about history, politics, film, the future. That time my aunty and I cooked this amazing pork belly before my uncle accidentally invited over some Russian Jews. That other time, every bloody week, we'd argue about USYD vs UTS; Law vs Everything Else. Or when my grandmother suggested we throw a party the weekend before my Maths exam ... cool advice, Tayta!

On that note.

p.s. I vomited last night. I can no longer say, "VOMIT-FREE SINCE OH-THREE!"
p.p.s. I never did say "VOMIT-FREE SINCE OH-THREE!"
p.p.p.s. Now I will never get to.

september twenty-seventh: mcqueen resort 2011

2010-09-27T15:30:00.001+10:00

style.com

I don't really blog about real life clothes. I blog about pretend clothes, sure, but I tend to avoid fashion that will never love me back. This collection is about ... three months old. Is that like, a year in the fashion world? Whatever. I saved these photos and forgot all about sharing them. Alas, the time has come.

OH MY GOD.

I can't explain how much I want - nay, need - these clothes. I want to embrace them, like that fat grandmother does on the old Uncle Toby's Oatmeal commerical. You know the one: the small, blonde boy is giggling as he feeds himself oatmeal, before his corpulent grandmother suffocates him with her canteen lady arms. Familial love at its finest.

This is why I don't blog about real life clothes.

Honestly though, I'm actually brainstorming money-making schemes. Labelled, "How to Acquire Dough Fast", my list so far consists of:

Prostitution
Drug trafficking
Asking my parents to pay me for chores (an expired annual tradition, always occuring a month prior to the Sydney Royal Easter Show. I demanded at least 50c for every chore. Chores ranged from doing the dishes, to packing up the Lego. I wonder why we stopped.)
Babysitting (problem: who would trust me with their kids?)
Selling my clothes.

I doubt Options 3 and 4 would feed my fashion desires. Option 5 has potential, except I am extremely possessive of all things I own and would rather sell my father's kidney than see someone else wear clothes I haven't touched in years. Slight hyperbole, but I'm sure you catch my drift.

Which leaves Options 1 and 2. However, I doubt I'd exceed at those occupations. I'd giggle too much to be a prostitute. As for drug trafficking, I'd write thank you notes to my growers. Not exactly low profile.

... Maybe I should just get a job, like normal people. Ha, ha.

september twenty-fourth: day 37

2010-09-25T01:07:00.002+10:00

Tomorrow is my baby sister's birthday.

She's no longer a baby, but in my head she'll always be five. I remember wishing she'd grow up to be five years old already, so she could mature enough to refrain from tearing down my Christina Aguilera posters. (So I adored X-Tina, what of it?) I've blatantly lied to her. She thinks my real name is Anastasia and hers was Aurora. We watch The Office, Arrested Development and read The BFG together. We play games like Bridge, Gymnastics Competition, Slide and Mannequin/Skeleton. All quality adventures, I assure you.

She's the weirdest kid I know and I love her for it. She's an annoying little shit a lot of the time. E.g. every single time she plays piano at 7 am. Or 7 pm. Any time, for that matter. It starts of predictably pleasant before devolving into a cacophonous explosion.

Or that time I gave her two dollars to buy me a chocolate Bueno from the corner shop. She bought me some crappy fifty-cents lolly and used the rest for her. It was a bit hurtful. The wounds have now healed, however.

Usually, the presence of a camera extracts those cheesy, kindergarten grins you're taught to give as a child. Today, something clicked and she was different. More mature. I don't know if this is good or bad but we'll see. I can't wait to share things I love with her; the stuff she can't watch just yet.
For example, Harry Potter 5-7 with her. They're currently too scary. Obviously.

september twenty-third: day 38

2010-09-24T00:09:00.000+10:00

Signs you desperately need to exit the world of academia:

Aunty, hours before Graduation: so, are you ready for tonight?!
Barbara: ready? What do I need to do? Physically ready or mentally ready?

I am officially a high school graduate and I couldn't be happier. At this start of this year, the thought of leaving school was unimaginable. I'd actually be in the ... real world? With real people? How would I cope?

As the school year progressed, I realised how much awaited outside of school. New people. New environments. Independence. New opportunities and challenges.

Two hours as a high school graduate and I'm already frothing with flimsy, vague motivational terms.

During the graduation mass, I yawned so much I became teary. Unfortunately, I happened to be drying my eyes whilst the orchestra performed an emotional, uplifting hymn. I had to reassure friends I had merely yawned, and was not, in fact, in tears by the beauty of The Power of your Love.

After the mass, friends and family swarmed as we all congratulated each other excitedly. I wish social etiquette dictated the typical number of "hello" kisses. Around family, I only kiss on the cheek once. I soon realise the opponent (Yes? Opponent? Appropriate, I feel) would like another and awkwardly dive back in for a second.
Around friends, and family of friends, I suddenly become the Super Affectionate Wog and kiss twice. I realise my mistake as it occurs. I scold my inherent Arabian heritage.

We overcame this inevitable social stumbling block and soon entered the Graduation Ceremony. Capitals required, you know this shit is serious. I play out bizarre scenes in my mind whenever I'm in a silent, professional environment. E.g.: principal is giving speech, I climb into the roof and fall on her head. It really is that simple.

You think I'd think more creatively, but it's a bit hard when you're half asleep in assembly/mass/exam reading time.

september eighteenth: words words words

2010-09-18T22:32:00.001+10:00

1. marie-fleur; 2. word journal; 3. marie-fleur; 4. a simply apology; 5. the sword and the rose.

I really love words. Words, for me, have distinct personalities and colours and pictures in my head. I devour each syllable, their etymology and derivatives.
However, this does not mean I know how to pronounce words. There are so many words I really wish I could just throw around in conversation - advantageous, milieu, fission, loquacious, indignant - but simply can't. Other than the obvious reason (I would look like a pretentious douchebag), I just do not know how to say certain words. It is likely I never will.

Maybe this is a good thing. Perhaps the world will benefit, given there is one less verbose pseudo hipster on the loose. Never, in the near future, will my mother patiently listen to my (deadpanned) explanation of Australia's "current cultural milieu".

I joke. I do not deadpan. Unless it is for comic effect. I am deadpanning in my head right now.

september sixteenth: day 45

2010-09-16T22:08:00.003+10:00

Today I visited my grandfathers' and I was crying and he didn't know what to say so he just gave me a kiss on the shoulder (I was sitting slightly in front of him) and it was so simple and made me feel a bit better. Why am I always crying? I'm hating this school year more and more as it draws to an eventual close. I could try and make this funny but I don't feel funny, I feel sick and tired and idiotic so this is what this shall be. A stream of consciousness, if you will. We studied that last year, which I really loved. "Memory and Desire". Mrs Dalloway, T.S. Eliot. Don't pity me, there is nothing worth pity and that isn't why I am blogging. I'm blogging because I want to remember what I felt this year. Excuse the melodrama. How irritating for you. I enjoyed speaking to my favourite teachers today. Class discussions and one-on-ones after class ... possibly what I'll miss the most about school. Is that weird? My head is throbbing and I keep pushing it against any solid, cool object e.g. bed, fridge, desk. Could I be any funkier? Tomorrow is our school's signature festival and I'm contemplating staying home. I feel too much like a baked potato. Where did that come from? I accidentally missed my last Modern History lesson ever today, and I'm still pretty angry at myself. Favourite class. This is so mundane, is anyone actually reading this?

august twenty-eighth: day 64

2010-08-28T23:41:00.000+10:00

I cannot wait to go to university. Ignore yesterday's morose post. I am insanely excited for university life.

Today, various universities held Open Days for potential students to dress like hipsters and swoon over. I visited University of Technology, Sydney, which I was fairly impressed with. Everyone just seemed so enthusiastic about life. The Great Hall (hello, Hogwarts) was swarming prospective, well-dressed students. I felt entirely at home; the people were intelligent and friendly and lovely-looking. I am neither of those things, but I like to think I'm bloody brilliant at pretending to be.

After befriending an older woman (Hi, Laura!) I left with friends to visit the University of Sydney.

Oh, how things changed.

It was amazing. It was beautiful. The architecture made me want to cover myself in gold paint and dance around to Sigur Ros. There were large, gold-framed paintings of old, irrelevant men, which I almost expected to talk to us any minute. The Law lecture was overwhelming and awesome, all at once. Torts? Habeus Corpus? Socrates? DON'T STOP NOW!

Sarcasm aside, I was entirely seduced by the arrogant confidence of USYD. It is world renowned, an aspect it does not hesitate to flaunt in your awe-struck face. The grounds were picturesque. The buildings were reminiscent of Hogwarts. I'm aware I should not be choosing universities based on the world of Harry Potter. Except, dude, you weren't there. You probably wouldn't understand. Did you even read the books?!

Tangent: Inception. Did anyone actually understand it entirely? I'm still puzzled from the snow scene onwards. I feel like most people claim its brilliance, and when questioned of its pivotal plot points, retort: "you probably didn't understand it." FURY!

So, Law. I'm sitting there, feeling entirely un-brilliant and unordinary. Everyone was smart. The lecturers were very impersonal. Bizarrely, I loved it. it assumed your attentiveness and competency, so you're forced to keep up.

I visited some awkward booths to learn more about International Studies, curious of the difference between USYD and UTS. According to an American professor, UTS hardly registers in the international world. Given I want to go into something international, this is not a good thing. I made some friends, (whom I rudely forgot to say goodbye to) and was altogether frustrated by the Int'l Studies professor. He seemed generally apathetic about the whole experience. I just wanted to give him a bear hug and some fairy floss, saying "cheer up, buddy!"

He had good bone structure though so I'm sure he's fairly satisfied with his life.

Afterwards, we chilled at Max Brenner and Borders. I can't wait for next year.

august twenty-seventh: day 65

2010-08-27T22:14:00.005+10:00

Internet, I am sad.
To prevent this post devolving into some good, old teen angst, I shall insert a "LOL" whenever things get too serious.

I feel apathetic, uninvolved, detached. I don't like being at home anymore and I don't like being at school. LOL. To get all ~deep and shit, I like running. For those thirty minutes each day, I am no longer "weird, geeky Barbara" but I have temporarily become "weird Arab running/tripping around the 'hood." An improvement, one might say.

I feel like things will inevitably spiral (uh-oh, I used the world "spiral", the word "depression" is now obligatory) downhill, and I don't know how to prevent it. I'm tired of feeling - dare I use the word? - alienated at school. LOL. I mean, it's year 12, right? The nerd shall prevail?
UNIVERSE, WHEN WILL I BE PREVAILING?

(No, seriously. Just send me a sign. A tweet from @Jesus. A txt message from Ed Westwick, whatever. The latter is preferable, though.)

This post is yucky. Throw in some Panic! at the Disco lyrics and I'm thirteen again, ranting on LiveJournal. LOL.

august twenty-second: i wear my parent's clothes

2010-08-22T19:14:00.003+10:00

shirt: country road, dad's
shorts: french connection, mum's
boring, school-approved black stockings
doc martens
bag: sportsgirl, gifted
fourth photo: slightly copied shann's zombie photo

I AM JACK'S WASTED LIFE. Yesterday I was watching Fight Club -- still am, actually -- and I was once again blown away by the absolute creepiness/awesomeness of that movie. I'm equally disgusted and fascinated every time I watch it.

... I really have nothing else to say apart for that. My hair looks shorter than usual. Plaited hair does that to you. Interesting. I need to start rummaging my parents' warddrobes more. My mum is unbelievably talented at shopping excessively. More specifically, shopping for clothes excessively. I hate it usually, because our tastes differ so much -- I see a pussy bow blouse and think Wednesday Addams, she thinks Coco Chanel -- but I've realised I could use this to my advantage. There's like, a gold mine of her clothes in everyone's room (yes, everyone's) just waiting to be reinterpreted.

Unrelated: remember how my Extension II English teacher recommended I write about Arabs because I am an Arab? WELL. I FINISHED IT! LAST FRIDAY! Nine months of hard work. A baby would have been more rewarding.

I say hard, not because it was particularly intellectually challenging, but I hated it so much. I am Arab. I do not need to write about Arabs. Yeah, the media really enjoys pointing out all rapists have rat tails, Adidas bum bags and refuse to speak proper English ... but do I really have to write about it?

Apparently. I'm so glad I never have to analyse a b-grade movie abundant with mullets. "We grew here, you fucking flew here." Really? REALLY?!

august seventeenth: day 75

2010-08-17T21:43:00.001+10:00

Miranda Kerr by Chris Colls

Internet, answer me this:

How is one individual that much of a babe?

It is just impossible. Fashion editorials beg the question: why are some humans -- for they are of the same species as us mere mortals, yes? -- blatantly hotter than others?

Is the Universe just a douche? "Suffer, ineffectual instruments of mundanity. Behold the transcendent beauty of your superiors." I almost expect the Universe to halfheartedly pat me on the back, promising that someday, someone shall appreciate my "inner beauty".

Not good enough, Universe. I could have at least been a hot geek. Not that I'm provoking you, or anything. Please, continue your admirable work. Also, I'd appreciate it if you slid my marks a teensy bit higher. Future self is appreciative.

Speaking of marks, today I officially reached a new low: 5/20. FIVE. OUT OF TWENTY.

I sat there, staring at this disgusting, blue number.
"You will never succeed in life!" it taunted. "You even suck at being a nerd! FAILURE!"
Is this a prank? Is this some kind of sick joke? Am I secretly mentally slow? (Generally.)

It was for Studies of Religion, a compulsory subject that I was actually coming first in. I soon found out how everyone else went. 1/20. 2/20. Even a 0/20. The question puzzled students statewide:

"It has been often said, very truly, that religion is the thing that makes the ordinary man feel extraordinary; it is an equally important truth that religion is the thing that makes the extraordinary man feel ordinary." - Charles Dickens

Please, enlighten me. How would one relate that to the contribution of Moses Maimonides, Synagogue Services and Environmental Ethics to Judaism?

I apologise for this boring, mixed-up post but I ... am just procrastinating. Still slaving over that discrimination piece. It's almost done actually! Aren't we proud.

Tell me, what is the worst mark you've ever received?

august seventeenth: day 76

2010-08-17T01:30:00.000+10:00

This is exactly how I feel right now. A sad cat. I don't even like cats, I'm very suspicious of them. Look at me, I am soft and small. I will contemplate the meaning of existence as my eyes slowly droop.

It's 1:14AM and I am up writing my Extension II Major Work. Still. I am forever slaving over this wretched thing. Not literally though, that's a little awkward.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying but I'm trying really hard to type accurately for everyone's comfort. Comfort? Comfort. As the night progresses I gradually slump further and further over my keyboard, my eyes do not stay open and I twitch. Is this normal?

I could invest in coffee but ... that would involve significant amounts of brain power. Which are obviously better used writing about Chinese depictions in Australian 19th century media. Woe is me.
Seriously, why do I not drink coffee? I think I'm waiting for right moment. Like, I'll be walking down Martin Place, Sydney and the sun will suddenly shine upon my shoulders and the voice of Dumbledore will say:

"Barbara, resume your paper on Arab-Australian discrimination in the media!"

...Okay. Bye, Internet. I have a few thousand words to go. Speaking of coffee, sometimes my teachers say, "girls, don't be late for your eight o'clock class tomorrow. Bring coffee if you need to."

To which I mentally respond: really? Coffee? Aren't we like, twelve?

august tenth: maddie in the sun

2010-08-10T15:28:00.000+10:00

Really? "Maddie in the sun"? It's the best I could do, sorry. I'm not too great with artistic titles. Maybe next time I'll get super indie and describe "the loss of innocence" or "youthful freedom". Or ... not.

I really enjoyed this shoot. It turned out better than I expected and suited my mental image. Maddie was so gracious about the entire thing, given that:

I had never met her before I asked her to model at a Modern History seminar. (How seedy am I?)
It was unbelievably cold. She willingly wore a singlet and shorts, eating an ice cream, on Bondi Beach in the middle of winter.

So yes, the title is a lie. There was no sun. ...Sorry.

august ninth: day 83

2010-08-09T19:24:00.002+10:00

Internet, remember how I asked your acceptance of my odd appreciation of all things war-related?

I have another confession. You'll either mock me or ... yeah probably just mock me. I'm just going to go right ahead and say it:

I like maths. No, sometimes, I love maths.

...Are we still friends? It's okay if we're not, I get it. You're too cool for exponential functions. Applications of calculus just aren't your cup of tea. Maybe you like crocheting tutorials, or hardcore porn. And that's okay! ...Sort of. Not too sure about the porn, you should probably take up gardening, or something. I hear that's healthy.

So, I get to school this morning and I'm actually excited for today's Maths exam. What was I even thinking...? "Yay, going to differentiate the hell out of those equations!" ... I mean, really.

And as I was standing there, amidst the juniors with too much lip gloss, I realised how much had changed. [cue dramatic music and gazing into the distance]

I used to hate maths. I was terrible at it. I still am, really - I just practice it more often. I've always envied the arithmetically gifted. The kids who were just born thinking rationally. Learning Pythagoras' Theorem and their ABCs, I'm sure you know the type.

It was this inability to grasp anything founded on logic that led to great embarrassment. One time, I was 11. And whilst I was 11, (or was it 10?) I found myself at one of those hated Maths centres you go to on Saturdays for extra work. You're assessed and suddenly placed in a class corresponding to your ability. I was placed in the grade below. Enter, shame.

I was at my maths teacher's desk. She casually asked, "Barbara, what is 2 x 1?"

"1". I replied nervously, aware of the entire class in line behind me.

Teacher: ...What is 2 x 1?
Idiotic and possibly mentally slow me: ....1.
Teacher, exasperated: WHAT IS TWO TIMES ONE?
Me, firmly: 1.

At this point, I was thinking, is she kidding? Why is she still asking me this? The answer is obviously 1. NO, YOU DICK, THE ANSWER IS TWO.

It still hurts.

And then I got to high school - Year 9, actually - and all of a sudden, Maths was my friend. We were like two peas in the mathematical pod.

I'm realising how dorky this is sounding (now? Really?) so I'll stop right there. You bet I'll go do something super cool now, like ...

Yeah, I can't think of anything. So ... do you like Maths? Are you one of the mathematically inclined individuals I so envy?

august sixth: day 86

2010-08-06T21:08:00.004+10:00

the girl who tamed the tiger

photos by marie

I wish real life was always this pretty. Although after a while it would be ugly and boring. No, I wish dreams were always this pretty.

Today, I had a Modern History exam. I enjoyed it immensely. Not really, it was three hours long and all I could think about was 6'3" Aryans and chocolate ice cream. I honestly find Albert Speer such a bore. I would love to speak to him, yes, but frankly I'm rather disinterested in his loveless childhood and absurd infatuation with Hitler. I'm confident there's something borderline homoerotic there, but my history teacher strongly disagrees.

I'm sure that is not what you're here to see, so forgive me for this tangent. Ha, I pull you in with pretty photographs before bringing up Nazi Germany. Stay on guard, amigo.

Speaking of amigos, I have this bizarre fascination with all things war-related. The weaponry, strategies, propaganda, the homefronts ... it's seriously worrying. Should I be admitting this online? Do not alienate me, Internet. If you can accept the middle-aged Craigslist stalkers, you can accept me.

Note to self: stop talking.

august second: day 90

2010-08-02T14:18:00.004+10:00

Things I've done today:

Written an essay on how Emily Dickinson's poetry conveys the concept of belonging.
Assumed the role of a middle-aged Lebanese migrant, Jamil Ahmed.
Opened the fridge looking for chocolate and/or Starburst lollies. Finding none.
Ate salami wrapped in Jarlsburg cheese. (I'm not quite sure why)
Followed by a cheeseburger. (Again, uncertain)
Followed by an ice block. (It was red!)
Felt sick.
Watched Titanic in my head.
Inspected my tongue in the mirror.
Made strange faces in the mirror.
Thought, whilst looking in the mirror, "Now would be a good time to write about things I've done today".
Wrote about said things.

Geez, I better stop bragging about my life, hey? It's too fantastical, people might think I'm making this shit up.

Note to self: stop saying "geez". It is 2010. That's all.

july twenty-sixth: day 97

2010-07-26T22:32:00.004+10:00

I just back-spaced an entire paragraph written two hours ago on how shitty I feel about life right now. You're welcome.

Yesterday I was at home, studying. So after I finished watching Avatar, I put on red lipstick and took photos. I feel the relationship between these two events is quite clear. These photos [not above] turned out horrendously bad, so we're all at square one really.

Speaking of horrendous, today was an awkward concoction of fatigue-induced hysteria and tears. No, I will not stop inappropriately describing things as awkward. It actually was fairly awkward though, give or take a few teachers.

Last night, I slept at the triumphant time of 4.00am exactly. Why, you ask? I had to edit eight pages of my English Extension II Major. Which, as always, I should have finished during the day but if you're asked to choose between the Omaticaya People of Pandora and Arab-Australian discrimination in the media ... I think the choice is clear.

"Ewya has heard you! Ewya has heard you!"

Given my exceptional time management, today was a blur. Sleep deprivation often causes me to feel "see-through". I'm not sure how to explain this, but I'd like to clarify that I don't mean this in the metaphorical sense. I mean, I love some "nobody notices me" sentiments as much as the next reformed emo, but I literally feel see-through. Light-headed, if you will.

Naturally, fun times ensued. I vaguely remember interviewing Eliza on her experience fleeing the Irish Potato Famine of 1845. Frantically editing three pages of bullshit in the last fifteen minutes, transferring the files between computers, printing, printer not working, reprinting, printer hate barbara, barbara cry, barbara realises the beauty of technology and emails draft.

Later, I resumed to some level of normalcy to discuss university life. I'm unbelievably excited, don't get me wrong, but our talks today made me realise ... it is going to be so different. I'm going to have to take the initiative and make friends. With new people. I'll probably get nervous and start making some Arab jokes and no one will like me. I'll be destined to roam the university hallways alone, trendy satchel in hand. Douchebag.

Steph, who had been avoiding our Extension teacher due to a lack of finished homework and/or laxatives, (my suggestion)* soon arrived. Not quite sure what happened next (it's all very blurry) but I distinctly remember sliding down the chairs and rolling around on the library floor. I'm unsure as to why. Something funny probably happened. Promise.

It's not a sleep-deprived day without tears, and they arrived as promised: I got a B for an English assessment. It's trivial, I'm an idiot, etc, etc. Supposedly, it won't matter in the scheme of things [i.e. by November] but it's still upsetting. Hi, future Barbara, hope you're enjoying laughing at my expense. Loser.

*Mr H, if you're reading this, it's a joke. I would never promote ruining your excretory system. Don't blame me if your toilet trips increase exponentially. Also I'm sorry for saying "excretory system". And for always making things awkward. Like now. What are the chances of you reading this, though? I'll just leave now.

july twenty-third: day one hundred (!)

2010-07-23T21:35:00.004+10:00

Unedited, taken in my backyard.

"Yeah Mum I'll start working in a sec, just gotta gun down this Russian gangster. No, the other one was Ukranian. Yeah, it's drugs. Calm down, I would never do this in real life! Besides, how would one even enter the shady Eastern European underworld?!"

The past three weeks of holidays are a blur. I vaguely remember spending days playing GTA: IV compulsively. Other than that obvious highlight, they were relatively dull. Aside from a photo shoot and party (expect photos soon!), they involved homework, past papers, stressing, and going for Boost/Thai runs for Mum.

Today Steph, Jaclyn and I dicussed our emo pasts over Thai. Is it just us, or did everyone have an emo past? General band obsessions, high-contrasted photos with eloquent, profound captions such as "SILENTLY SCREAMING". Kudos for the alliteration, truly poetic. Myspace URLs based on Panic! at the Disco lyrics. Journals and journals of scribbled thoughts and illuminating My Chemical Romance quotes. Insultingly long side fringes coincidentally covering one eye. Shutting out the world. Oh dear god.

These are the only things I'm okay with mentioning online. We solemnly swore never, ever, ever to mention certain things again. Cringing just thinking about it.

Goodbye internet, I'm going to go forget awkward emo phases and watch some foreign arthouse film now. I'm cool.

june fourteenth

2010-06-14T15:54:00.001+10:00

1, 2: Mona Johannesson by Matthew Brookes

3: Daisy Lowe for UK esquire HD from Greg Williams on Vimeo.

I love how free her dancing is; carefree and fun, with no hint of embarrassment. I wish I could dance!

june eleventh: excuse me whilst i pretend to pull off wearing white shorts

2010-06-11T21:45:00.005+10:00

Photos taken by Shannon Natasha

These photos were taken on the 16th of May. It had been by birthday eleven days before and dang it, I wanted to celebrate it. So I invited the entire grade -- 150 girls, minus the ones without Facebook -- for a picnic at Circular Quay. It would be wonderful. We would eat and cheer and take photos like the cheerfully photo-hungry girls we are. So days passed, and a few people were coming. The park I had picked was beautiful, with a view of the harbour and the breathtakingly gorgeous sunset.

May, 15th. The night before. I decide to text the girls who had formally RSVP'd (read: marked 'yes' on the Facebook event) and suddenly, it all kind of failed. The trains weren't running that day, the weather was looking bad and most of us had an increasing pile of assessments that were stubbornly refusing to do themselves.

My mental image of a grandeur picnic abundant with scones, shortbread and Crispy M&Ms had been ruined. Except, I may have been kind of desperate to dress up and take photos. It's not often I spend a Sunday not planted in front of a computer, frustratingly trying to finish last minute homework.

Eliza, Shannon and I get all dressed up and catch the ferry in. It rained, the ferry people were horrid, (...Am I not English enough for that word?), I had no idea red lipstick smudged on everything you ate, etc etc. I actually had an awesome day. Taking these photos were slightly awkward; we had to keep acting normal whilst passers-by ... passed by. (Wow, I'm so eloquent, I know)

Jumper: Don't Ask Amanda
High-waisted white shorts: Lee Jeans
Patterned stockings found at Dangerfield
Purse/wallet: Sportsgirl
Chanel lipstick
Doc Martens

june eleventh

2010-06-11T14:32:00.001+10:00

june fifth: day 149

2010-06-05T01:19:00.003+10:00

When I'm reading back on these blogs, I'd like this day to be remembered as a pretty shit day. On a scale of 1-10, (1: relatively okay-shit and 10: Heroes season 3-shit)... it was an eight.

It starts off in Extension II English. I nervously prayed I wouldn't have to discuss my progress (ha, ha, more like no-gress ... *crickets*) and sure enough, upon the bell's ringing at 8.45am I tuck in my chair unscathed.
I'm packing my books at the purposely normal pace commonly used when trying to deceive. My body's thinking, "GO! QUICK! RUN!" but my brain's slowing. Everything. Down. Edging closer to the door, bag on back, closer -

"Barbara, how are you going? Do you have anything new to show me?"
"Oh, hi, sir. I've been doing a lot of research on portrayals of discrimination in artworks, literature, films ... you know, the usual."
"Great, great. So. Monday. Could you have another block of writing to show me?"

Block of writing? Monday? I most certainly could, thank you so much for asking me! Dang, this is going to be a fun weekend.

Whilst we're on the topic, maths was exceptionally dull today. Usually Friday P2 Maths means locking ourselves in a room roughly the size of two fridges, putting on Russian techno and dancing. We call it the "dance cube".

Today, the cube did not dance.

I got home and distracted myself with various TV shows. Are you ever in this mood where you have no idea what you want to watch, so you watch everything for a little bit? I started The Hangover, How I Met Your Mother, True Blood, Lost and Arrested Development. It was bizarre. I'll probably be dreaming about drunk vampires lost in someone's mother. Awkward.

And whilst nothing in particular had really set me off today, it was slowly building. Trivial details, yet still they upset me. My sister buying the same shoes as me, not being able to go to the party tomorrow night, friends being weird, the three essays I need done by Monday, and question 7B of the 2007 Maths Paper which I could not, for the life of me, grasp.

Really, these problems will all mean nothing. In the big scheme of things, I know how they're irrelevant they are. But if you've been doing maths for the past two hours, home alone, angry and PMS-ing, they matter.

So I'm sitting there, question 7B repeatedly crossed out and scribbled over, crying. Actually crying. I don't like pity or vulnerability, so I'm not asking for your sympathy. I just want you to picture this:

Punching numbers into a calculator, copying down the worked answer, doing mathematical equations etc. All whilst bawling.

Seriously, is that not the strangest mental image ever? Who does that, ever?! I could have stopped doing maths, yes. Why I didn't, I don't know. It'll be good once this story stops being sad and starts being funny. Oh, year twelve. It's such a strange year.

Have you ever had an out-of-the-blue breakdown whilst studying?

may thirty-first: day 154 {warning: dull, uni talk}

2010-05-31T20:59:00.005+10:00

Today my dad and I chose my uni preferences. I don't mean he ... chose them. Which is strange, because that's exactly what I said. You'd think people would say things they meant. Okay, let's try that again.

Today, I chose my uni preferences. I showed them to my dad, who helped me sort out which order I'd like them in. The application difficulty of each course in each uni varies, so I had to be realistic and work out what I wasn't going to get. There's no way I'll get a 99.55 ATAR to study at University of Sydney, I know that much.

(If you're curious, USYD is one of the 'prestigious' universities here. At the end of high school, you're given an ATAR - a rank out of the entire state - that determines what courses you'll get into. Really, it's a bit horrible. Reducing an entire year's work into one four-digit number, which basically determines what you'll do for the next few years)

I've narrowed it down to three choices: Bachelor of Laws & Bachelor of International Studies, Bachelor of Psychology, and Bachelor of Laws & Psychology.

I've always said I would never, ever, ever study Law. Probably because:
a) My parents want me to.
b) It's dull
c) I would never actually want to be a lawyer
d) My parents want me to.

Except I was researching yesterday and ... it sounds like a good back up. Something safe that I know I'm good at if my creative pursuits fail. I don't know if this is a good enough reason yet. I feel like I wouldn't mind studying law, given I study something I enjoy along with it. I'll graduate with two degrees and get to study abroad. Hopefully work abroad, too.

Shit, this is turning into the most boring blog ever. So sorry, I'll make it up to you with an outfit post soon.

The point is, I want your perspective. Have you chosen what you want to do in life? Did it work out? Is it stupid to do something 'safe'?

may twenty-first: red

2010-05-21T21:55:00.006+10:00

photo ii via flickr colour lab

She spent the afternoon staring at their front door. "Waiting for someone?" Yankel asked. "What color is this?" He stood very close to the door, letting the end of his nose touch the peephole. He licked the wood and joked, "It certainly tastes like red." "Yes, it is red, isn't it?" "Seems so." She buried her head in her hands.
"But couldn’t it be just a bit more red?"

- Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

Though I finished that book long ago, sometimes I think of that last sentence and wonder what it's trying to tell me.

may twenty-first: day 164

2010-05-21T16:14:00.004+10:00

Today I presented my speech on Terror in Nazi Germany. As terrifying I find public speaking, as much as I shake, sweat, panic ... I can't help but love it. It's like this bizarre form of Stockholm Syndrome.
Except no, not really. I apologise for likening an enjoyment of public speaking to warming up to your kidnappers.

So I'm up there, all jumbled colloquial language and shaking limbs, absurdly enjoying this rare spotlight. Why does it scare us all so much? Is it the sudden attention? Knowing that everyone has their full focus on you, and you alone?

I think my presentation went okay, but my actual content was utter bullshit. It was too general, not nearly as lengthy as other presentations were, and lacked the subtle detail that tends to enhance a presentation.

On a somewhat similar note, a girl in my class asked if I would fill in for their debating team. I'm guessing they were really desperate, since last time I debated:

a) I was thirteen. I am now seventeen.
b) My voice was barely audible over the awkward ruffle of paper each time my shaking hands tried to switch to the next palm card. Not to mention my rapid heartbeat. Pretty sure that echoed throughout the entire room. How unreliable.
c) The opposition consisted of boys I hadn't seen since primary school, two years before. So yeah, losing was pretty humiliating. No, you don't think so? Even when one guy post-debate, basking in his pompous triumph, actually said: "HA! You guys were so bad!" Not to name names, Paul, you malicious little shit. And finally,
d) The adjudicator did say I was the weakest on the team. I can take criticism, but I really did see it was my cue to exit.

I swore I'd never debate after that. It is terrifying, more so than your average speech. You're given the topic an hour beforehand, and in that hour you're expected to plan your team's argument.

When my friend asked me today, I'm thinking, dear god, no. Except a small part of me can't help but appreciate the challenge. I love forcing myself into situations that terrify me. Which is probably good, you know, in the long run of things, but also tends to leave me in impossible situations.

E.G.: Age 10. I had performed a speech as 'Morris Gleitzman', an Australian childrens' author, for the school and American visitors. Months later, my English teacher asks me:

"Barbara, the librarian is back from holidays. She'd like to see your Morris Gleitzman speech, since she missed out the first time. What do you say?"

Oh, the speech I can barely remember? Why, sure, I'd love to, thank you so much for this beautiful opportunity!

Reality: "Uh ... I guess I could try ..."
Soon after, I'm standing in front of the grade wearing a replacement costume (read: English teacher's old coat) desperately trying to remember what comes after "I migrated to Australia in 1969... 69 ... 69 ..."

And that, my friends, I think we can safely say marked the birth of my fear of public speaking.

So I found the debating coach announcing to the class I'd gracefully fill in for debating. Except, I hadn't actually agreed. Pretty sure he adopted some kind of 'pretend she agreed and she will' philosophy. It worked. I agreed.

What can I say, I have this innate talent for infuriating myself.

may nineteenth: day 166

2010-05-19T22:13:00.005+10:00

166 days until HSC is over! HSC = the final exams a Year 12 student sits in NSW, Australia. Synonymous with dread, fear, utter hatred. Typically.

Today, a lovely man named Brett Saunders visited our grade. Last time he spoke to us was at our Year 10 camp, so I may have missed him slightly. He specialises in the criminal psychology behind sexual assault. Already, it's interesting but this guy makes it as fun as listening to this.

Very, very fun.

He also managed to remain non-awkward when mimicking rape with an invisible vagina. Bravo, Saunders. Bravo.

Besides that, I had only two classes today. At 8am, and 1.25pm. So from homeroom to lunch, I am cursing my teachers for not letting us know before hand. Period 2, my free period, Steph & I are engaged in various pressing matters.*
My maths teacher, a delightful, tiny man, strides over and chortles, "Oh, I didn't tell you we had no maths next, did I?"

"What? No, sir. You didn't. But how are you?"

"Yeah, so no maths. You can do maths here if you like! *awkward giggle* I have to go help out with the Senior Citizens Concert."

Fair enough. Senior citizens, concerts ... anything for some nice cupcakes & the elderly, right? So the period 3 bell rings, and there is our maths teacher, sitting quite comfortably with our History teacher. Oh, how they laughed. What about, I'm not entirely sure. Possibly maths and history, or an awkward common ground. They probably dedicate Sunday afternoon barbecues for this kind of thing. Regardless, Maths Teacher was really not helping out with any senior citizen concert. At all.

Not that I don't mind missing out on class. I enjoy free periods as much as the next ... free period enjoyer. It's just, if I knew I had two classes today, I would have stayed home. I probably would have done maths at home.

No, seriously, I occasionally view maths as a leisurely activity. It's comfortable, straight-forward and slightly therapeutic. Kind of like eating cheese.

... However, I wouldn't have witnessed the brilliance of Brett if I hadn't. So I'll shut up.

Oh and I came home to a new 'funeral clothes'. A womanly skirt and leotard. I detest looking womanly. I refuse to. I think it's got to do with my peter pan complex. Does that make sense? Ok cool. Anyway, so I try on these funeral clothes - clothes bought especially for funerals. Yeah, I don't quite get it either - and ... I look curvacious. Ok, no. I am this.

It was not a cheerful time.

So I think we're returning the leotard of that unfortunate ensemble. Tell me, is anyone else forced to wear womanly funeral clothes?

*Zac Efron and new shoes. I said pressing.

p.s. My sister just came in and saw my most recent google search: "awkward boobs". Oh, wow.

may eighteenth: just six months

2010-05-18T17:55:00.005+10:00

I'm going to try and blog about my last six months in high school. Maybe it'll be a weekly thing. I just want to document this bizarre, precarious journey. I hope you'll find it as puzzling, irritating and occasionally hilarious as I do.
--

So I'm in Extension II English when Steph and I have this sudden urge to listen to the Titanic soundtrack. Here we are, in this specialised class for the academically inclined, swaying to the slow lament of Jack and Rose.
Meanwhile, others were refining their undoubtedly intellectual pieces. Existentialism, Freud's psychoanalysis, literature in Communist China ... what am I even doing there, seriously? I feel so inferior. Sort of like a non-Aryan in Nazi Germany, 1938.

Why yes, I am slipping in some cross-curriculum knowledge. Blending in some Modern History knowledge, you know how I do. Well no, no you don't.

Rewind a bit, it's twelve thirty. Period five. Teacher is nowhere to be seen, which is a shame. I was really looking forward to his tie today. In the past year we've seen a nice variety; the Simpsons, Tweety Bird, ... other cartoons that I can't recall ... generally colourful, reminding us subconsciouly of the carefree Saturdays of our youth that lacked homework. Cruel.

Anyway, he decides to stay home. Unfair, sir, if you can party so can we. Turns out he had food poisoning though, so ...

We end up freestylin'. Yes, I just dropped the 'g'. We so gangsta. I especially enjoyed Eliza & Steph's collaboration, which I just typed it out and realised how pathetic it looked in real life. Trust me, it was gold.

On that awkward note, I'll go do homework. Hey, this was okay for a first diary-entry blog, right?

may seventh: topsy turvy

2010-05-07T20:52:00.003+10:00

may seventh: cream and gold

2010-05-07T20:47:00.001+10:00

may seventh: i miss summer

2010-05-07T20:24:00.003+10:00

I jump out of bed. Barefoot feet meet the unapologetically cold floor. Tiptoeing into the shower, white-hot water scalds goose bumped skin. Warmth spreads throughout, enveloping me from the cold, winter air.

april ninth: contrast

2010-04-09T21:28:00.003+10:00

Photoshoot yesterday. I love that our two models had such different looks: grunge v. innocence, golden hair and thick mascara.

april first: youth

2010-04-01T22:04:00.005+11:00

I was around ten or eleven, a few years before my grandmother passed away. I was visiting; watching television as she tirelessly vacuumed around me.

The vacuum died down. My grandmother stretched, her swollen knees barely keeping her upright. She was constantly cleaning, despite the handful of medication swallowed every morning and every night.

In Arabic she sighed, "My god".

I liked how this sounded, to have something to sigh about.

"My god!" I repeated, sighing, lounging in my comfortable seat in front of The Simpsons.

"Ya Barbara!" my grandmother laughed.

"Why are you sighing? You have nothing to sigh about!"

---

You're right, tayta, I didn't. Or maybe I did. Maybe everyone has something to sigh about, and you only realise how petty it was years later.

In that case:
I can't bear to go to a three hour mass tomorrow. I have no idea how I'm going to write two creative pieces in two weeks. Maths past papers, modern history notes. October is so far away.

Trivial.

march twenty ninth

2010-03-29T15:23:00.001+11:00

Hecq Vs Exillion - Spheres Of Fury from Tim.Chris.Film on Vimeo.

march twenty-seventh: hana haley

2010-03-27T17:04:00.002+11:00

one, two, three. i'm in love.

march twenty-third

2010-03-23T22:12:00.004+11:00

the balcony saw hair blowing this way and that, chocolate ringlets a slave to the breeze. the sun's setting cast purplish tones over the threatening clouds, thunder awaits. i love my aunty's, i love our cooking and experimental meals. i love the open space, the sunlight, the freedom. i love our late-night movie marathons and early morning walks.

march nineteenth

2010-03-19T02:02:00.001+11:00

by nirrimi

Twelve am, suspended between night and day. Past and present. Heavy lids, even breaths. She found herself constantly mourning the life she never had. Dreaming, wondering; of the days to come. Endless in number, its possibilities intimidating.

No longer seventeen. Elderly. Skin, paper-thin, creases and folds and folds and creases. Memories etched, remnants of a future forgotten, forever lost.
A politely beige room, an irrelevant game show flickering feebly to the far left.
This was her life.
She hadn't pursued accounting, but insurance. Marginally duller. Married at twenty-eight, not too young, not too old.
The ideal age, her mother had said. Two children. Well mannered, well dressed. As expected.

And so she sat, sour seventeen. Questioning not, "what went wrong?", but "what will go wrong?"

I'm so scared I'll forget to live.

march fourth: watch

2010-03-04T15:38:00.003+11:00

Passion Pit - The Reeling from phantomcolor on Vimeo.

I'M HERE - A LOVE STORY IN AN ABSOLUT WORLD BY SPIKE JONZE from IN AN ABSOLUT WORLD on Vimeo.

febuary seventh:

2010-02-07T09:57:00.005+11:00

♠ doll, originally uploaded by oh no, barbara.
LACE & SEQUINS: selling headbands, skirts, jewelery.
my friend are opening an etsy shop - coming soon.

january fourth: happy 2010

2010-01-04T10:21:00.005+11:00

I hope this year doesn't disappoint. I want to go to France. Hopefully.

december first

2009-12-01T18:01:00.003+11:00

the first photo i took for my visual arts class this year, early march, maybe. we used film and visited a nearby cathedral. i want to experiment with film more this summer.
second photo by kitsmumma, it was originally a postcard i picked up from a cafe i think.

november eleventh: joanna

2009-11-11T21:39:00.002+11:00

november eleventh: the little prince

2009-11-11T21:25:00.004+11:00

‘Where are the people?’ resumed the little prince at last. ‘It’s a little lonely in the desert…’
‘It is lonely when you’re among people, too,’ said the snake.

- Antoine de Saint Exupéry, The Little Prince

november eleventh

2009-11-11T21:15:00.003+11:00

i have no camera. i miss taking photos. i took these a while back, so for now:

october thirtieth: i heart indie boys

2009-10-30T17:48:00.005+11:00

♥ one two three four
found via fuckyeahindieboys

oh i'm in love, maybe. i need to find pretty boys to take photos of. tomorrow is Halloween and i'm going as Effy. heavy eye make up, fishnets, leather jacket, loose shirts, docs. but since my camera is broken i probably can't even take photos properly, i'm so upset. i miss belle.
x

october twenty-fourth

2009-10-25T00:16:00.003+11:00

october twenty-third: melbourne

2009-10-24T02:04:00.002+11:00

melbourne was 7am starts and exploring the city. it was catching trams, meeting slightly tipsy, elderly strangers who took your picture, and you took theirs. shopping, the boutiques, the alleyways. the street art, the steep stairs climbing up to the hotel and the Italian concierge who greeted us so welcomingly.
the plane trips were so surprisingly fun. the last time i flew was for fourteen hours, from dubai to sydney. not particularly enjoyable. this was an hour-long though, and i had a window seat: overlooking green pastures, soaring through cotton white clouds.
we were flying.
the food was usually delicious. there was one exception, a little cafe, its dodgy-looking menu plainly written in maroon, Comic Sans type. why we went there, i don't know.
the docs i bought, the skirt, jacket, dress; all echoes of our endless trekking, our expeditions each day.
it was the smelly taxi, the freeway, the grey clouds overhead threatening rain.
so similar to sydney, but somehow, different.
the newspaper was different, the highways were different, the suburbs. obvious, yes, but it still felt so bizarre; as if nsw had been completely transformed.
i miss melbourne.

october twenty-second

2009-10-22T18:18:00.003+11:00

october twenty-first

2009-10-21T23:36:00.002+11:00

october twentieth: mother dearest

2009-10-20T21:03:00.006+11:00

although i'm slightly angry at her for being slightly [okay very] angry at me for being unproductive today, i love her in these.
instead of school i had an excursion today, so really, what am i supposed to do? reflect on my day?
no.

i think it's a good sign that i'm feeling guilty about my lack of productivity though. i might go do maths now. i really hope year twelve goes okay.
i'm so, so scared.

september seventeenth

2009-09-17T20:18:00.005+10:00

♠ ♠ sky ferreira by lisa boyle.

i have finished my exams!
i'm happy, relieved, worried, hungry, tired.
i miss taking photos. i haven't lately.
dear you, from me. comment. read the comments. they amaze me.
that's all for now, i don't feel great at the moment.
♥

september tenth

2009-09-10T17:10:00.007+10:00

things i've realised in the past week

1. studying for exams will probably help you, but you'll be fine anyway.

2. walking around shopping centres alone will always make you feel lonely.
3. the only people populating said shopping centres during the day are middle-aged woman and bearded, old men in hats. why is that?
4. you'll do anything to avoid studying. whether that's trampolining, googling Boxxy or watching 2 girls 1 cup.
5. somethings just never have to be seen. e.g. 2 girls 1 cup.
6. staying home all weekend will make you physically sick.
7. watching American Beauty will always make you feel better. so will Life is Beautiful.
8. even though your younger sister's been telling you since April about her going to Lebanon, you won't completely understand until she's actually gone.
9. you won't admit it, but you'll want to go too. maybe.
10. it's kind of pathetic that i've taken a photo of myself every day for the last one hundred and forty six days.

august thirtieth: picnic

2009-08-30T19:22:00.006+10:00

today we had a picnic. it was sunny, it was windy. i wrapped myself in a blanket and read Frankie. i ate chocolate and chicken, drank water and red fanta. my sister, veronica took photos of me for her assignment, it was fun helping her, giving her advice. not that i'm this big talent but it was nice anyway. i went for a walk all on my own to get a drink. it's nothing major, but considering my irrational dislike of crowds/people, it was a pretty big deal.
we went bike-riding; my dad and i took turns on veronica's bike. lara, 6, almost 7, had her pink little two-wheeler, she's so natural at it now. catherine, 4, almost 5, hesitantly rode a hired sky-blue four-wheeler. elisabeth, 2, giggling gleefully as she failed to steer, pedal, stay upright; her dad pushing her along.
today was fun.

[p.s. accidental beard, last photo! i'm always accidentally bearded. oh no.]

august twenty-sixth: the beach

2009-08-26T22:03:00.004+10:00

Photos from my Visual Art assessment; i used photos of my pretty little cousin and sister at the beach. that day was so much fun; we had just come back from the zoo. i hate the zoo. that and the aquarium are the two leisurely kind of places i cannot stand. visits are limited to once every four years. so i guess i'll be seeing you, Taronga, in 2013.

so my parents on one of their countless trips to China and my sisters and i were staying with random family members. the zoo was ... the zoo. hot, smelly, brown. not fun.
we visited the beach afterwards though. and my cousins, my silly, lovely, baby cousins, all smiles and high-pitched laughter, ran carelessly through the sand. into the foamy water, the shore chasing them back and forth.
it's so easy for them! they didn't have any swimmers/beach clothes but it really didn't matter. so i figured, oh well. and ran with them. camera in hand.
and that's what was captured. i hope they'll see these when they're my age and like them as much as i do. they're so fun to be around.
♥

august twenty-third

2009-08-23T13:43:00.003+10:00

nothing important, just took these yesterday whilst procrastinating. getting so good at that.
ha, no, i kid. been good at that for years.

august twenty-second

2009-08-23T00:50:00.006+10:00

today i avoided homework, sat outside in the sunlight and read Frankie. i rediscovered my love for the trampoline.
i jumped really high; handstands + star jumps + soaring above the tree tops. blue skies and violet lens flare.
i'm actually excited for summer this year :)

august seventeenth

2009-08-17T20:32:00.004+10:00

♠ one two three four via ipolaroid

currently listening to bon iver. i love this song and these videos:

august sixteenth: sixteen things i love

2009-08-16T22:52:00.005+10:00

excuse the bad quality webcam photos. but, last wednesday i think it was, shannon and i were swapping identities when all of a sudden this magical rainbow appeared out of nowhere!
it was so lovely and surprising, like this eight am prettiness just saying, "HELLO! everything is wonderful!"
--
in other news, i'm copying KAYLEIGHFTW's idea. post [insert your own age here] things you love. in no order in particular. ready?
one.
love. it's silly i know but i love it so much. hugs, text messages, waking up to "i love you". my mum used to leave "i love you baby, have a good day at school" notes in my lunch box. now i text her it randomly. it's so nice.
two.
baby cousins and their talent to make the shittiest of days better.
three.
food. it isn't really healthy and i'll probably get really fat when i'm older but i'll deal with that then. right now i love eating everything i shouldn't. red frogs, granitas, chocolate, ice cream. excessive amounts of everything, pretty much.
four.
friends. spending so much time with them that you have words, little quirks that really makes no sense to others. granita town, irish black, canni day, carnal, humble yet surprised. seemingly uninteresting words. but they are so not.
five.
books; paper friends, ready whenever. it's nice.
six.
photos. capturing everything, experimenting, editing. going through my dailybooth and remembering everything.
seven.
acting like a six yr old. everything is so much more fun. hide and seek, giggling, dress-ups. i don't want to grow up.
eight.
movies. overwhelming movies, movies that stay with you long after you've watched them, that subtly change how you think.
nine.
people. strangers on the street, internet friends i'm yet to meet, family, friends who enter & exit your life.
ten.
mornings.
eleven.
music that makes your heart beat faster.
twelve.
words. can you sometimes taste words? they have a certain feel. or personality.
thirteen.
CAPSLOCK. ENTHUISASM. EMPHASIS.
fourteen.
harry potter. forever.
fifteen.
mental photographs. earlier memories have no logic, i think it's because when you're little you observe so much. there isn't the logic that adults have, which both enhances & narrows their minds. so i don't know if these pictures in my head are real, or i dreamt them. it really doesn't matter though, as long as i remember them.
sixteen.
bike-riding. it feels like you're flying. which is one of my goals in life, btw.

that's all. if you read this, write your own list and link me. that would be awesome. :)
have a lovely week.
♥

august eighth

2009-08-08T20:47:00.004+10:00

i can blow bubbles now.
i hate bubble gum.
i need to stop procrastinating.
i need to learn to watch movies all the way through. i'm currently 15.40 minutes into X-Men.
i want to go shopping; i'd like over-sized jumpers, backless leotards, a dress befitting a masquerade.
i have no idea how to balance taking pictures daily and school work.
i messaged a random number with "i love you" and i didn't get a reply.
i, i, i; i'm way too self-centered.

august second

2009-08-02T16:49:00.009+10:00

i'm not usually the dance-type. my limbs don't move the way they're supposed to, i'm not great with the music, and the whole "big crowds" thing doesn't really work for me.

i had so much fun though! i even danced. pathetically, yes, but still. it doesn't really matter. it was just so nice wearing pretty clothes under pretty lights with fun people. i know that isn't too descriptive, but i'm not in a very descriptive mood.
it was fun. that's all.
x

EDIT: i was "Official Photographer", by the way. maybe that's why it was so fun. i had to wander around asking random people for their photograph. everyone was so cool about it!

july twenty-seven

2009-07-27T14:05:00.003+10:00

♠ to be free by afternoon love in

oh my gosh, magic. i want to take photos! school's returning tomorrow and i'm so, so excited. not really. i'm actually really dreading it; this morning i woke up all dreary without knowing why and then realised that it was my last, guiltless lazy day probably for the next few months. it's okay though, i'll learn to manage my time, right? i'll get all my homework done on time?

if you all don't mind, i'd like to highlight how great school is right now.
- red frogs are available for the purchasing daily. and super dupers. yum.
- fun people = fun classes.
- free periods.
- learning is fun.

those four points took fifteen minutes to think up. great.

july twenty-fourth

2009-07-25T22:42:00.004+10:00

i don't think i'd ever smoke, but i can't help but admire how pretty it is. and fire, i really love fire. last night was olivia's seventeenth, french themed. maybe i'll post proper outfit photos later. it was so lovely and atmospheric, warming our hands against the small fire, absorbing the heat. and awkward at times, but the great kind of awkward.
i randomly pulled up a chair to the boys playing poker; "sup!"
everyone: "hi."

[silence]

*
it was so much fun! seriously! i really love meeting new people. i hope we all go watch Harry Potter again soon, yay.

july twenty-third

2009-07-24T00:50:00.007+10:00

today i cut my hair and tried on my cousin's clothes. uneventful, but so much fun. heels and pyjama dresses, thai and pointless gossip. talking with hairdressers about everything, anything.

july twenty-third: stranger faces

2009-07-23T00:44:00.003+10:00

just before i leave; someone (i forget who, i'm sorry!) blogged about Stranger Faces, a project by Mark Miller.

"I have always been frustrated by the fact that most of us end up only getting to know the people we grew up with, went to school with, friends of friends, or those we work with. Our best friends and lovers tend to originate from this small group of people.

Stranger Faces is my way of taking time to literally get to know a complete stranger, and reflect on this concept."

goodnight ♥

july twenty-second

2009-07-23T00:37:00.006+10:00

today i face painted and ran amok amongst playground equipment. oh so fun.

excuse the dodgy editing, it's almost one am and i want to watch Weeds. which, by the way, is fantastic. why am i always so late to love TV shows? probably because i don't watch TV. hmm. it's almost back to school, and i'm so excited! i've decided that if i act positive towards it, i'll be positive about it.
so.
school! yay!

july eighteenth

2009-07-18T20:58:00.003+10:00

♠ revolution starts at home

i love these. found via Here Comes the Sun. oh and i also have a twitter these days if anyone's interested.

july seventeenth

2009-07-17T14:10:00.006+10:00

As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction.
And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true.

- Stranger Than Fiction

july sixteenth

2009-07-17T00:36:00.004+10:00

i have nothing much to say other than i'm sleepy yet happy. today, i was lost in the city, amongst grey suits, buildings and skies. i bought skittles and roamed aimlessly. wandering, wondering. i hope everyone's happy.
♥

july twelve

2009-07-12T11:34:00.005+10:00

♠ forever true photography

how beautiful are these pictures? found via lelove, a fantastic blog dedicated to images capturing all kinds of love. it brightens up my day so much.

speaking of which, the other day i renamed "Mum" as "Lord Voldemort" in my phone.
why?
every time your phone rang, would you expect to see, "Lord Voldemort calling" casually? no, you most likely would not! so i'd look at it and each time i'd freak out and then laugh out loud for a bit.
in short, it brightened up my day.
until my mum found out, and was all, "barbara, why am i named after the evil sorceror in Harry Potter? i'm really upset!"
cue me attempting [somewhat unsuccessfully] to reassure her that it wasn't a personal thing, i do not actually think she possesses similar characteristics to an immortal dark lord, i just found it hilarious. as should she.
she is, after all, the only person that calls me often enough. see, if anything, the ordeal is an insult to my unpopularity with phones.

in other news, harry potter's coming out in two days! so excited. and i'm seeing bruno on tuesday. these holidays are so relaxing. hope yours are all good!

july seven

2009-07-07T23:37:00.005+10:00

A SHORT LOVE STORY IN STOP MOTION from Carlos Lascano on Vimeo.
i really think you should watch the above video, it's brilliant. [click full screen, i promise you wonder] such talent just amazes me.

do you recall yesterday's blog? yes? well, today, i ran amok with eliza in a nearby park, emerald green grass dotted with tall trees, shadows cast by their slender trunks. brilliant light, everything seemed to glitter from afar. we came across it accidentally, eliza's spur of the moment suggestion to go home a different way, lead us to a strange street and foreign houses.
evidently, i need to get out in my neighbourhood more.

so, there was a playset, a brightly coloured, plastic playground; swings and bars and a strange surfy thing. i climbed super high and swung and dangled and rested against the monkey bars, watching the sky, the leaves. swaying. eating kinder chocolate and cadbury buttons and giggling.
fresh, green, alive, colour. then we went home, built a fort, skyped and took pictures. i wish we had a camera at the park, to capture our adventures; no one will believe us now, it was amazing!
hope you all had a wonderful day. or will, wherever you are.
x

july six

2009-07-06T21:50:00.005+10:00

playgrounds and infinite skies, hide + seek and colour. i want to run, in an open field, holding hands and giggling and lost for breath, lost for words. faster. i want to spin around in circles, dizzy and hopeless and alive.

for now, though, i'll sit here typing away, anti-socially socializing with the internet. oh, the irony.

july third

2009-07-03T20:27:00.004+10:00

♠ antichrist by lars von trier.

aren't these screenshots wonderful? the film's actually a horror film, not really my thing, but i lovelovelove how pretty these are.

and today, holidays begin! i'm so excited for rollerblading + harry potter parties + finally getting the chance to read and watch movies/tv shows all day long. any recommendations?

speaking of which, i made a "holiday kit of fun" for guiliana last night. filled with good books, movies, tv shows, and random things from my house to entertain her for the next three weeks. no reason in particular, i just thought it'd be nice to share. anyone up for sending/receiving packages? just an idea!

july second

2009-07-02T00:14:00.006+10:00

sometimes, in movies, when the scene is focused on a particular person, i always seem to look at the people in the background. their expressions, their actions; what are they doing, what are they thinking? or irrelevant details that play no part in the plot whatsoever.
like the clock in Pleasantville that's always glowing yellow, or the strange looking painting in Will & Graces' apartment.
and sometimes, when a character is standing in front of a mirror, i always look at the reflection.

tomorrow i'm off to the airport! i'm so excited, i think i'll have to take my camera. i love the airport so much. it's this mixture of fear and excitement, i love it. fear; "we're travelling, we're going on a plane, we're going to an entirely different place". it's oh so scary. weirdly, welcoming back or saying goodbye to people is frightening too; "have they changed? have we changed? so much has happened"; "i'm not going to see them for so long".

it's so exciting though. foreign people, smells, languages, all surrounding you. sometimes i want to just sleep there overnight, people-watch and write.

goodnight, goodnight!
♥

june twenty-sixth

2009-06-26T23:57:00.004+10:00

♠ TOP: dominik, sofie, lawrence
♠ BOTTOM: julia, rory, xenia

oh, boys and girls. i want to take pictures of you in summer clothes against blue skies and blinding sunshine.

is it weird that i'm actually going through modelling agencies, picking favourites? most probably. it's oh so much fun though, try it. sometimes i want to be a photographer. i don't really consider it a real option though, in terms of a career.

time's ticking, it's almost year twelve and i'm not sure what i want to do after school. i want to write, film, photograph, but all those things; do they really count? i find psychology really interesting, maybe i'll look into that. oh, problems.
what do you want to do after school, or what do you do now? are you happy?

in other news, holidays begin in one week. finally. i'm planning on returning with motivation and new stationary. a pretty flawless plan, i'd say.
x

june twenty-fifth

2009-06-25T21:24:00.005+10:00

the wonderful Eve has tagged me. thank you, lovely.

What is your current obsession?

harry potter! dailybooth!

What is your weirdest obsession?
um organising my music. each song has to be like: [track number] [track title] nothing else. with complete album art, proper folders, etc etc. it's so important to me, it's almost annoying. almost.

What are you wearing today?
black long sleeve + gangster pants. except i don't pull them off well. it's freezing, okay.

What's for dinner?
we had my grandmother's special cooking, it was so good. she's leaving to lebanon for three months soon and i'm going to miss her a lot!

What's the last thing you bought?
edward scissorhands, cloverfield, conditions by the temper trap. all so wonderful.

What do you think about the person who tagged you?
oh, eve, your blog is wonderful. the pictures are so pretty all the time.

That question about a fully furnished, paid-for house that everyone answers with 'Paris' or 'New York'.

um i don't mind, as long as the house is called Lemonade Land. what is Lemonade Land, you ask? it's a place of playgrounds and swingsets, where logic is nonexistent and there are whole rooms devoted to floating, play-dough, and trampolines. you should visit sometime.
on a more realistic note, i'd choose paris.

What is your must-have item for summer?
it's actually winter here! but nevermind, for summer i'd like pretty, floaty dresses. i don't really wear dresses. and oversized t-shirts.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would it be?
only one hour? does that play a factor in my answer?
it would be somewhere not spectacularly great, because i'd want to stay longer. maybe lebanon, i miss it, and staying longer probably wouldn't be very healthy. i get so attached.

Who do you want to meet right now?
oh, so many. harry potter and dailybooth friends.

What is your favourite piece of clothing from your own closet?
oh! can't choose! sorry. i love lots of things i own, which is kind of new these days. i've never been so sure of what i like. it's a good feeling.

What is your dream job?
i want to photograph everything, everywhere. i could travel and meet amazing people with amazing stories and nothing shall be forgotten; all of it captured forever.

What's your favourite magazine?
frankie. sometimes i read magazines and i think, oh, this is lovely but this could be changed. frankie, i have no complaints. you're brilliant.

What do you consider a fashion faux-pas?
tight shirts with tight pants, or contrastingly, loose shirts with loose pants. i've yet to seen it work on anyone. also, wearing all of one colour, excluding black. i love contrasting colours.

Describe your personal style.

colourful, but quiet occasionally. clothes that don't match but should. i don't really wear what's "in", [i never know anyway] but just random things i've seen that kind of jump out at me. wow, i'm terrible at answering this...

What are you going to do after this?
shower. ideally, i should do homework. oh school, we're just not as close as we used to be.

Three styling tips that always work for you:
1. no pants. ever. this works for me because, a) i'm really lazy, and getting home from school, i just can't be bothered putting on pants, and b) i have so many oversized shirts/dresses. it doesn't really ever go wrong.
2. layering. it makes everything look better. so if i'm feeling disgusting and uncool, i just put on lots of things and hey, i feel better.
3. i don't think i have a number three. one and two were hard to think of, i never really consider any styling "tips".

What are you proud of?
i'm proud of myself for getting better at self-portraits and photoshop. it's pretty conceited, i know, but it's so much easier now and i love it. i'm also proud that i've matured and become more independent, emotionally.

What do you see outside your window?
it's nightime. so i see stars and darkness. one day i'd like to lay under the stars with someone i love, just us and the sky. so personal, yet not; this large, expanse of glittering navy-black, shared with so many others.

What is your favorite color?
cyan. apple green. crimson. orchid. i love colours. and i could've easily said, light blue, green, red and purple; but where's the fun in that?

What is your weakness?
paranoia, jealousy, insecurity.

What animal would you be?
i'd like to be a bird. simply to fly. soaring.

What would you like to learn how to do?
sing!

What do you want to never happen in life?
I never want to go blind. - eve.
i agree! i also don't want to never fall in love, or age. i'm pretty impractical.

What is on your bedside table?
i don't have one.

What was your favorite children's book?
harry potter, the witches, bfg, dr seuss, macquarie children's dictionary (oh you nerrddd)

What did you want to be as a child?

it changed a lot. i wanted to write, sing, act, be a laywer, a teacher... it was never constant.

What did you dream about last night?
it was my birthday party all over again, featuring surprise guests. so lovely.

Which do you prefer, day or night?
daytime, nighttime makes me uncomfortable.

What would you like to get your hands on right now?
can i answer, "a boy"? is that cheating? it's also really lame. i'm not really sure, i'm pretty content..
oh and i'd like my fugitive cactus back.

What is your must-have of the moment?
my laptop, lila. she's sleek and shiny and beautiful.

What's your favorite tea flavor?
anything with honey.

What are you looking forward to?
holidays, so, parties and photos and wonderful people.

Pick one line of poetry that sums up your mood right now.
i'm sorry, i can't think of one!

Would you prefer to live by the seaside or by a forest?

the seaside, of course! the forest, to me, is all spiders and insects and the generally uninviting.

What song or band has captivated you of late?

radiohead, wow. and the temper trap. their album's blown me away.
*
i'm not particularly sure who i want to tag. if you see this, and you feel your answers involuntarily forming, you're tagged. link me to your blog, i'd love to see it.

goodnight, farewell.

june thirteenth

2009-06-13T10:05:00.007+10:00

♠ Dessert Mix

hello all. i've been feeling a little uninspired of late, so forgive me whilst i await the prettiness to arrive in tidal waves. i've been passive lately, admiring pictures rather than actually taking some. i feel like getting together with people, lovely people, and taking oh so many photos. ice creams and forests and bokeh and lens flare. soon, soon; i'm waiting the holidays. they take so long to arrive and finish so quickly.

in other news; have been listening to Radiohead [amazing, amazing] and watching Trainspotting [unfinished, i can't stay still for too long] and reading Roald Dahl's short stories [genius].

how are you, what's made your day today?

may thirty-first

2009-05-31T16:20:00.006+10:00

spinning around and around high above the city lights on the flying saucer, screaming louder, louder. whirls of colour, wind and rain and heightened senses; we're flying.
and so we're walking down the main street, amongst the yelling and the laughter and the flashes of seconds past and meeting new people. the golden carousel and the glittering ferris wheel.
have a wonderful week ♥

may twenty-second

2009-05-22T22:25:00.005+10:00

two weeks ago, i turned sixteen. if i were to meet my six yr old self, i think she'd be pleased with how things are going.
what about you?

may twenty-second

2009-05-22T19:57:00.005+10:00

confession: i am a terrible, erratic blogger. i'm sure you've noticed. i've been photographing/posing daily, feeding the ego within. it's a shallow existence, to paraphrase good ol' T.S. Eliot.

and now, the year's rushing past, tuesdays blending thursdays until the days are nothing but numbers in my mind, .jpgs saved in My Pictures. one time, i read this quote which was like, "you have to wake up and make each day your own. demand something of it". i can't remember who it was by, but it stuck. i feel as if i should do that. but, contradictingly, everyone and thing are so lovely everyday, and right now, i think that should be enough.

april twenty-sixth

2009-04-26T19:24:00.005+10:00

♠ we're all so see through

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”

- Louise Erdrich (via thoughts detained)

it's getting colder here in Sydney, i'm wrapping myself in blankets and watching Scrubs with my sister. i'm packing outfits to go to shannon's house in which we'll photograph and vlog in. i'm seeing second, third, maybe fourth cousins i haven't seen since i was five, reacquainting ourselves whilst i wished i was much easier to talk to. i'm sitting down with my uncles, discussing the russian revolution of 1917 with one and what i want to do in uni with another. i'm not talking to my dad, on account of his being an unapologetic, stubborn person and talking more to my middle sister. i've developed a routine with my littlest sister of brushing our teeth and frothily talking about anything and nothing. i'm worrying about the impending doom which is academia and the potential failure of my party, but numbing it with the repeated solving of trigonometric equations. i'm going to the city and smelling plasticine; forgetting that it's ten years later and i don't really have to be scared of school or people anymore.
i'm sixteen in eight days and on friday, i felt five.

how are you?

april twenty-third

2009-04-23T21:52:00.006+10:00

♠ Julie Cerise

so, for 09, there are two things i feel i should really master the art of (or rather, just improve at):

1. writing short stories
see, i really cannot do this. the stories i write tend to less resemble actual stories; more, these pretty, abstract moments i can't quite weave in your fully-fledged story. stories are pretty formulaic, as you need your start, complication, and conclusion. i can't do that! but i will learn, really. especially since next year they're pretty important.

2. taking self-portraits.
is this a common hurdle amongst photographers? the self-portraits i see seem so effortless, so easy to just grab a camera and tripod and snap away. trust me, i've tried. they never, ever reach the same standard as the portraits i take of others. i think it's the control; with other people, i can see everything, instruct how to move, and see how it works in the frame. but, me? i'm really annoying! i don't listen to my own instructions! i can't logically work out how to position myself so it works in the photo.
soon, friends, soon.

there are many, many more things i need to become comfortable with (film photography and the whole dark room thing, holga photos, using certain words in conversation, haha) but these are the ones that really irritate me.

is anyone thinking along similar lines? what are you going to achieve/overcome in 09?

april seventeenth

2009-04-17T18:24:00.009+10:00

late night conversations; honey and chamomile tea; my grandmother's cooking; newly cut grass; heart-accelerating music, make-believe friends; childhood stories; memories; amazing, unforgettable movies; running and running until you can't breathe; building forts; dancing breathlessly, ridiculously; snapshots from ten, eleven years ago; strangers who smile; waking to the people you adore; making and receiving homemade presents; tying ribbons; new crayolas; paints; colourful words; playing "mums and dads"; wanderlust; sitting in the over sized windows of hotels, observing the glittering nightlife below; photographing; dreaming; comforting, familiar beds and scents; whispering secrets under blankets; holding hands; going to bed realising just how much you love, and are loved in return.

this more subtle, introverted romance; it's everywhere, you only need look.

shall you link me to your own?
♥

p.s. read (ellipsis), one girl's daily adoration for another.
" i love her…

…and her love of infinitive adverbs. always, never. these words like promises that defy linear time, that rebel against endings, that form sounds of hope, that disprove what we know to be true: nothing is without limit, everything is terminal."

march thirtieth: denise grunstein

2009-03-30T18:23:00.004+11:00

new favourite photographer: denise grunstein. her photos are so dreamy.

in other news; i went to the zoo and beach yesterday. parents in china and we strangely go on more family outings in two weeks than over a month with mum and dad.
have three essays due over the next two days, a speech due next week.
reward: blogs, editing photos, polish hip-hop. yeaaah.

- disgruntled.

march twenty-sixth: dreams

2009-03-26T20:28:00.010+11:00

He only knew and felt that what was happening was similar to what had happened the year before in the hotel of the provincial town on the deathbed of his brother Nicholas. Only that was sorrow and this was joy. But that sorrow and this joy were equally beyond the usual conditions of life: they were like openings in that usual life through which something higher became visible. And, as in that case, what was now being accomplished came harshly, painfully, incomprehensibly; and while watching it, the soul soared, as then, to heights it had never known before, at which reason could not keep up with it.

- Anna Karenina

sometimes i'm flying, soaring high above the mediocrity of life, ever thankful for the dream, the sub-conscious, for realising my greatest wish. and occasionally, fears.

p.s. "days with my father"; if you only click one link today, click this one. it is beautiful, it is saddening; i'm still inexpressibly overwhelmed.

march twenty-third

2009-03-23T20:45:00.003+11:00

♠ o x 4 by nylon juvenile.

Plant a tree somewhere.
Once a year take a self portrait standing next to the tree.
By the end of your life you will have a collection of photographs of both
you and the tree growing old together.

- David Horvitz

march twenty-second: things i can count on

2009-03-22T22:34:00.004+11:00

march twentieth

2009-03-20T22:06:00.006+11:00

this is stephanie's birthday; we played twister and blew bubbles. colour, acoustic guitar, ice cream cake; souls alight.

march seventeenth: kreative blogger award

2009-03-17T21:44:00.006+11:00

a Kreative Blogger award was given to me by Eve; i'm sorry i never did it! i hope you'll forgive me.

-List 6 things that make you happy

-Pass the award on to 6 more kreativ bloggers

-Link back to the person who gave you the award

-Link to the people you are passing it on to and leave them a comment to know

this is what makes me happy.

one. waking up with sunlight on my wall, and a good book beside me.

two. being late for your eight o'clock class and cursing this terrible, terrible Wednesday before entering and being welcomed by the loveliest of friends.

three. silences. not the awkward, "so what-else-happened-on-your-weekend" kind of silences; the silences between you and someone you love where neither of you feel the need to talk.

four. handmade presents. giving them, receiving them. giving them especially, i think. before i have any idea of what i'm doing i freak out a little, but once i have this idea, i feel so happy that someone is going to have this little parcel of personal art that they'll (hopefully) love forever, and remember me by. like, for stephanie's birthday, i compiled the epilogues of books i'd loved and made them pretty.
doing that made me so, so happy.

five. infinite moments. do you know when you're driving somewhere, anywhere, and the windows are opened and the sun is on your skin and good music is playing and suddenly, you have this magnificent, infinite love for everything that just is.

six. lovely strangers. it's very simple, but so special: when someone is so nice to you. sure, it's expected of the people you know, but, strangers? they don't even have to look at you, let alone smile.

and those are six of the things that make me happy. i wish i'd made this list two years ago, and ten years ago. i think i'd have more in common now with my five yr old self than thirteen/fourteen.
that's strange, isn't it?

and anyone that reads this that made them happy, please do this tag! it's so much fun to do. friends, you actually have to because if you don't i know you in real life. ha.

march seventeenth: tagged!

2009-03-17T20:30:00.007+11:00

by Candy Hearts. thank you!

1 picture
1 poem
1 song or piece of music
1 phrase of quote
1 item of clothing
1 place
1 disney princess

picture

this is one of my favourite photos right now. it wasn't prepared in any way, shannon just kept dancing against the backdrop of lights and i snapped away, hoping to catch something, anything.

poem

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

- from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, one of my favourite books ever.

song
close your eyes and listen to this. you should listen to it in it's entirety, 3:02 onwards is my favourite part. when your eyes are shut and this is all you can see and hear; this kaleidoscope of vibrant colours.

quote

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

- Carl Gustav Jung

clothing

♠ the start of something new

really, i just want the whole outfit. the dress and stockings in particular.

place

so this is a little anti-climactic, and i'm sure it'll change when i'm all grown up and visiting lots of fancy, lovely places all around the world but right now, my favourite place is my aunty's old bedroom. it's such a mess (i usually clean it for her, but i also love the freedom of the clutter: everything is everywhere because she doesn't care, and suddenly, neither do i), there are books and magazines and dvds everywhere, and a great big bed to lie on whilst divulging in the fictional worlds.
it's always been this place of solace to me; since i was little and scared of visiting my grandmothers' - i had my reasons - i'd just run to Jen's room and read her books.
she's moved out now, but i strangely don't mind: all the more for me.
(plus now, it's cleaner)

disney princess

it's superficial, but i always loved Ariel for her pretty red hair. and my dad's strict like King Triton so we could totally relate.

i tag:

daydream lily
smile because it happened
refracted light
girl with kaleidoscope eyes
the real joeyy anna.
gools & co

march fifteenth: cheese and wine party

2009-03-15T22:03:00.005+11:00

7th March, stephanie and barbara, acting all mature. with cheese. and wine.

"hmm. a tasteful animal biproduct, cheese is."

"i, personally, adore such a matured wine."

what really happened:

1. the spying of neighbours. loud, cranky, Armenian and Turkish ones, to be exact. not that i have anything against either race. i happen to be neighbouring them geographically, in terms of background. i think, i'm not exactly sure. either way, we ran around the house peeking through the blinds. spying, giggling, yelling. the fun endless until it was ended by M. shutting the blinds. why, M, why!

2. a water-hose party. yes, the water restrictions should be hindering us all, and by golly, i haven't partied with a hose since i was about seven. but that all changed! we danced, liberated, some of us pantless, giggling in the absurdity and complete unexpectedness of the moment.

3. late night talking upon the swinging seat, blanketed in the almost comforting darkness, gossiping against the summery background noises.

4. daringly walking barefoot along stephanie's street, half-wishing some interesting (preferably male) person would randomly be around. (that might've been just me).

so i've attempted to capture the awesomeness of what wasn't a cheese and wine party, but i assure you there was much more to it.

march tenth

2009-03-10T21:08:00.004+11:00

counting down until stephanie's birthday:

barbara: wow, sixteen aah! it really isnt a big deal though. you're still fifteen and fourteen etc.
wow, profound.
stephanie: but i'm sixteen. why play it down man why.
b: wise words. i'm really feeling the age gap with such pending maturity.
s: i know right. we're really worlds apart now. or will be in2 hours and 34 minutes.
b: hey so, maybe tomorrow you can enlighten me on the mysteries of life?
s: i might give away a few secrets. but you may have to heckle patrick [awesome, intellectual-type extension english teacher] for the rest.
b: i could give it a shot. will have to delay packing up after class. but hey, patrick time is not wasted time!
s: i concur. maybe i'llstay back too. you know, me and partrick are closer in age now so hopefully we will be bonding on an even more intimate level.
b: LOL. kudos, kudos. i'm pretty sure my younger, childlike mind is an excellent source of alternative viewpoints, however.
s: maybe he could corrupt your sweet mind with images of hell. fun times for all, no?
b: nowhere is hell when patrick is present, so all's fine thank you very much.
s: well done, well done. i really have nothing to say to that.
b: i thought so. have a lovely transition into adulthood.

happy birthday stephanie, ♥

in other news: presented a speech as a thirty five yr old African American male today. half way through writing it i'd realise i thought i was Obama.
so i'm kind of apologetic it was so mock-profound.
other than that, and a few out-of-character hiccups, i think it went okay.

march sixth

2009-03-06T22:25:00.009+11:00

things that made my day today:

one. please: i know these winter days go on and on and on but know, spring is coming soon. spring is tempting us, sometimes, with spots of heat to warm our cold limbs, melts the snow away until night falls and the snow storms blow through, but never fear. no, wake up and breathe the fearless changing air. and please: believe in beautiful things. believe in the sun coming up, believe in a warm hand, believe in the future and believe in this very second. things are horrible, things are cold, but you are alive and living and breathing and constantly changing. and everytime the air feels stale, please, remember to breathe: continue the cycle of feeding the trees and keeping your heart going. because what else is there to do but continue? please. believe in good hearts. believe in your own good heart, strong and beating, restless and sound; believe in the rest of humanity, thousands and thousands and thousands of tiny heartbeats and sets of lungs slowly rising and falling. this life, it hurts sometimes, and you cry to sleep and you wake up heavy-hearted but remember: the earth does not stop. your heart keeps going and your limbs keep moving and you sleep it off, you wake up new, and you face the day with eager, shining eyes, and you love with a full, full heart.

- youareremarkable.

two. waking up, realising it's friday, and being properly awakened by a steaming hot shower.
and then jumping in the puddles.
as you can tell, i've been living on the edge.

three. giggling and giggling over Olivia as a biggoted Southern Klansmen.

four. panicking about receiving english assessment results, and realising you've actually topped the class. um, amazing.

five.

Hello Barbara!

I have just read your blog and ive got to say it was preettty awsome :)

so i recommended it to shachi and she was like OMG too LOL

we then started a whole conversation about how good it is and decided to send it to you cause we are weird like that LOL

keep up the blogging

love suzie xxxx

oh suzanne & shachi, you made my day the most, so, thank you!
♥

on the other side of the spectrum;

Young teenage boy to friend: Man, I fuckin' hate this job. I'd make more money bein' a drug dealer or somethin'.
Hobo: I used to think the same way as you.
Young teenage boy's friend: So you became a drug dealer and ruined your life?
Hobo: No, I fuckin' went to college and ruined my life.

- overheard in new york

does anyone else find that a little disconcerting? i think it's supposed to be funny.
or am i just missing it completely?
cheese and wine party tomorrow, will let you know how our attempt at being mature, open minded young adults goes.

see you soon!

march fifth

2009-03-05T21:56:00.004+11:00

and since we're unleashing the geek within, who knew that last tuesday was Square Root Day?
i didn't!* i feel so ripped off. i wish i celebrated; recited the squares/roots or had a party or something.

the next Square Root Days will fall on:

4/4/16
5/5/25
6/6/36
7/7/49
8/8/64
9/9/81

so apparently this is how people celebrate:
eating root vegetables cut into shapes with square cross sections (thus creating a "square root")

!!

guess i'll have to wait for Pi Day (14th March; pi = 3.14)* and Pi Approximation Day (22nd July, as pi is roughly 22/7)

sometimes, i really love the world. so i thought i'd enlighten you; we spend so much time celebrating the same holidays yearly based on god, cupid etc. people we aren't even sure exist.
but pi? square roots?
point proven!

_{*and if i'm really cool, March 14th at 1:59:26 p.m. get it?
_{p.s.: thinking about it now, why isn't 2/4/16 one? two squared = four, four squared = sixteen. wouldn't that make more sense?
p.p.s.:}}ETA: credit goes to shachi for alerting me of this excellent holiday)

march fifth: boomslang skin

2009-03-05T20:05:00.005+11:00

signs you've taken harry potter too far:

1. the best part about lunch time is playing Harry Potter quiz.
2. and being able to answer questions like, "What was pattern did the Minister of Magic have on his suit the first time Harry met him in Book Two?"
3. you sleep alongside the book you're up to.
4. you actually think you know what pumpkin juice and Butterbeer taste like.
5. you've tried to fly a broomstick.
6. Harry, Ron and Hermione were your favourite childhood friends.
7. you cried with excitement when books five, six and seven were released.
8. you've read books one to four at least five times.
9. your scars begin to resemble a certain lightning bolt.
10. you actually think thoughts like these:

"i feel so gloomy, is there a Dementor in the room?"
"sheesh, someone could do with a Cheering Charm around here!"
"i could really do with some Side-Along Apparition right about now."
"better not throw out that Coke can, it could be a port key"
"that tabby cat with spectacle markings around the eyes looks an awful lot like Professor McGonagall in Animagi form"*

J.K. Rowling, you are a genius.
♥

*N.B: i have not really seen a tabby cat with spectacle markings around the eyes. but if i did, i'm fairly certain i'd think something along those lines.

march third: jonathen leder

2009-03-03T15:01:00.004+11:00

my new favourite photographer. see more here. (some nsfw)

march third: david horvitz

2009-03-03T14:07:00.005+11:00

youareremarkable's post on david horvitz:

when do you feel most loved? When someone yawns and puts their head on your arm.
what do you think is the most beautiful thing about the city? Millions of lives living at once.
read the rest of the interview here. believe me, it's worth it. then, visit his website here. i'm so in love that, every day, a short email is sent by horvitz himself about anything; the most trivial of matters, the desire to change your perspective on something.

february 27, 2009‏

Pick something material you own that is important to you. This can be anything. A book. A CD.
A pair of shoes. A photograph. A blue and white scarf that your friend has knitted.
Now write thank you letters to everyone involved in the existence of this thing.
In the case of a photograph, you would write thank you letters to the person who sold you (or gave you) the photograph.
Who printed it. Who helped make the paper and the chemicals involved in the processing. The machinery.
Who cut down the trees to make the paper (or who recycled old paper). Who owns the store you went to.
Who shipped the paper to the store. Who made the camera, the film, etc... The list may never end.
Everyone is apart of everything.

february 22, 2009‏

Choose something to watch that is not very visually stimulating. This could be anything.
It could be the ocean, the sky, cars in traffic, a person, a single tree, a piece of trash in the street,
a soda can on the shelf in a store, an advertisement, your hand, anything.
Make a photograph of it. This marks what you have chosen, and the beginning of your watching.
When you get bored of looking at it, take another photograph. This marks your boredom with it.
Now continue to stare at it until the boredom dissolves away.
Take a final photograph and discontinue the activity.
Each photograph should look almost exactly the same, though each one is quite different.


february 21, 2009‏
Write a sign of any size that says: Just to let you know, I know that you are there, and I am thinking about you.
Now put this sign in front of a surveillance camera and leave it there. Make it sturdy enough so that it can last in the environment that you place it in.
There are two ideas at play here. One is to think about how there is a person on the other side, separated by a camera and a monitor.
The other is to notice and to become aware of security cameras in the places you inhabit (and to play with their presence).

febuary eighth

2009-02-08T21:49:00.004+11:00

so yesterday was joanna and pab's sixteenth-pool-nighttime party. somehow there happened to be multiple guitarists present. a guitar was passed around, sing-a-longs ensued. the atmosphere was so nice. i knew none of the songs (i never do, it's such a social disadvantage) so i lay on my back and stared at the stars.
these stars, i was thinking, are so high up, they're to the current centre of our universe; this pretty party. we're here, we're singing and breathing and talking and oh so alive and these dead stars are sparkling above unbeknown of the magic happening so far below.
because it was magic. friendship beside music beside moonlight beside so much prettiness, you really can't describe it as anything other than the ephereal when such loves are combined. it's wonderful, it really is.

and then i'm flying, i'm with jaclyn and we're swinging oh so high, we're on top of the world and my feet are brushing the trees leaves but it hardly minded since nothing bad happened. eyes shut, you can only do what you feel. i feel music, i feel love. i sing, i sing and i sing, no one can hear but i and that's okay because it's how it should be.
these songs, such lovely songs, are my favourite in the whole world. konstantine, you are the moon, eileen, eisley. i'm elated and i'm on a swing surrounded by strangers and loved ones and it's perfect; stop and it finishes. so don't, your legs will push you higher, higher.

reality. i come home and my sister's not breathing properly, so my parents drive to the hospital and i'm home alone and it's 12:34pm and i watch cartoon network. like when i was little at my grandmother's and we never slept, i never slept and i just watched the repeated cartoons again. except they were much better back then. it's all anime now. no thank you. and then i read and it's 2:18 am and hello, mum, no i'm fine, is veronica okay, do i sleep. oh, i sleep. well. goodnight.
so the house is silent and i am silent but the neighbours are not and neither are my thoughts, rampaging, knocking yelling hello it's us let's talk now!
i owe much to the ingenious device that is an iPod.

goodnight skins, goodnight tully, it's 3.04am and dreams are long overdue.

and that was my seventh of febuary. i can't remember what i did this time last year, but i just checked my "Photo of the Day" folder and it was the day i found this beautiful raindrop on a leaf.

have a wonderful week, i'll see you soon ♥